Hello Hello again,
I hope everyone’s holding up ok as we’re still deep into lockdown and although we have a date for the end of this, there is still uncertainty of whether they will extend lockdown again and when things will actually go back to normal.
I wanted to share a bit about what i’ve been doing this lockdown and how i’ve been feeling as I think it’s good to share these things, especially to show that it’s completely ok to have up and downs, good and bad days or weeks. I certainly have not had my sh**t together all the time.
At the start of social distancing and then lockdown, I was actually feeling pretty great. I set myself 45 mins each day to workout, and roughly 1 hour of walking in the park a day. Yes, this routine was great, I felt great, felt like I was finally getting stronger, especially with my knee injury (which happened in October.. it’s a long one..). I actually felt like I had time to work on strengthening my muscles around my knees properly, as well as getting over the fear of hurting my knees again. I then got carried away and looking back I was certainly doing too much on a daily basis. Too much time and too long of walks and of course I slightly re-inflammed both knees.
After that, I quite quickly spiralled. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had to take a break from working out and I couldn’t go for walks combining with the fact that WE ALL can’t see anyone and I couldn’t even go to the supermarket with my knee situation… I struggled. Started refocusing on food and my body, and yes I had put on weight but that’s ok, I’ve had a knee injury so i’ve been more sedentary these past few months and I also think part of me was exercising not to feel good, although it did but because when I got back into it I felt like I had to get back into shape because I could. Let me tell you something… we don’t need to look a certain way and have a certain body to feel good about ourselves, I learnt this the hard way once and i’m not going to let it get the best of me again.
Also this guilt has led me into a ‘darker’ state of mind, how I used to think when I had an ED, I should eat little for the next couple of days and then get back into normal, just a few days to get back to myself and then continue with my routine and guess what? I’ve gotten to days where all I want to eat is chocolate with no self control and ended up putting more “weight” than I started with. It just doesn’t work. So, along with my therapist, i’ve given myself a plan, and exercises to work with so I don’t overthink the little insignificant things in life and finally starting to focus on other more important things.
It’s OK to eat a little more this period,
It’s OK to rest a little more,
It’s OK to have days were you just literally want to Netflix and Chill all day,
None of us have been through anything quite like this, and like anything it will pass, and you will go back to your usual routine, if that’s what you want but we’ve never even given ourselves time to really just take a STEP BACK. Stay in one place for a long time, no holidays, no running around the city, just you and the people you live with and your feelings. That’s why it’s hard sometimes, all these feelings that you’ve ignored could be coming back as you have more time and space right now, so just let yourself feel.
Although i’m feeling much more positive again, have more of a sense of routine and started working out a few days a week, a few days ago I still had a ‘NO’ day. I was due on, so it was probably hormonal because I didn’t even know why I was sad but I just couldn’t wake up properly, I couldn’t get myself to do my abs routine or anything I needed/wanted to get done get. I kept trying to fight it until I was talking to a friend and just realised, the sooner I stop trying to fight it, the sooner i’ll be feeling myself again.
I wrote my feelings, just wrote random stuff to be honest, ate some dark chocolate, took a nice long bubbly bath with some oils, read my book, did a face mask and just tried to not focus on anything.
In my last post I did say I would give you some other small brands that i’ve been eating a lot and loving but since my last post, like I explained, I wasn’t feeling myself too much, so it didn’t feel right to just go ahead and give you another yummy list that I loved when I wasn’t even enjoying anything.
Don’t worry I will be writing it on my next one, just really felt the need to put this out there. If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out, to anyone, to a therapist, to a friend, to family and if you don’t have the means to pay for a therapist, and family have enough going on, I’m here. I don’t mind if you want to reach out and just chat.
Lots of love and stay safe!